Where Do I Begin?

This is a really confusing time for me, guys.

First of all, there are all the changes that I've experienced in my life in the past month. It's been harder than I thought it would be for me to change schools. I thought I would adjust well. I mean, I didn't have any problem adjusting to SBU from high school. None at all. But this has been such a hard adjustment for me. I'm still getting used to it. I think part of it is because I didn't really have that many close friends from high school that I was leaving, but I left so many very dear friends when I moved to Springfield. I miss our times together. I miss the stupid things we did. I miss accountability group, chapel ball, airsoft guns, blowdarts, ironing boards, dry ice bombs...you name it. I miss Dr. Reeves' classes so much...you don't even know. And things seemed so much easier in the 'monastery'. My beliefs weren't challenged. Everyone believed the same as me. The biggest 'dispute' I had to contend with was the Calvinism-Arminianism issue. Now I'm being confronted with other worldviews. The majority of my friends are not Christians. That's ok with me, because I do have good Christian friends. And when I left SBU, I wanted to have non-Christian friends. Not living in a dorm has also had a big effect on me. I miss the intimacy, the community, the brotherhood. Now I don't have that.

My personal life has also been affected. I'm still holding onto my beliefs as tightly as I can, and learning to be more flex and not so uncompromising all the time. I'm learning to listen to other peoples' beliefs, even when they differ markedly from my own. I feel like I'm at a crossroads though. I'm afraid that issues in my life are going to pull me to completely separate myself from my faith. And I CAN'T do that. It just feels like there's no compromise. I know there's GOT to be a compromise. But I haven't found it yet. Someday...someday...

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Now that I've depressed you...

I'll try and be positive.

1) Today was a good day. My cell phone was found and returned to me. Now I feel stupid for worrying so much about it yesterday--for making such a big deal of it and being rude and grouchy to some of my friends. Sorry guys...
2) I'm going to Kansas City on Thursday to take mom and grandma to the airport. I'm looking forward to getting away from Springtucky for the day and being able to spend some time with them. I am also going to stop in Bolivar and see Grimm and Scott and Sarah and maybe Nathan on the way back.
3) I'm hoping to hear back from Starbucks tomorrow or Thursday about my job. I REALLY hope I get it. There's only 1 or 2 positions, and I think there were like 10 interviewees. So I have at most a 20% chance. I could use some prayer on this one, guys. I just want to quit Wal-Mart.
4) I don't know about number 4. It's always so shady. Dirty number 4. Maybe next time, if you clean up your act.

Until next time,
M@

Facade

Facade

See that man over there?
The one in the plaid shirt and jeans.
Shaggy hair and neatly trimmed beard.
The one holding the Bible with a "love wins" sticker plastered across it.
The one smiling, laughing non-chalantly with his girl.

He seems so happy.
So together.
Like he's got everything figured out.

But his smile betrays himself.
It cannot cover up the lie.
Through the mask I can see his pain.
I see it because its my pain too.
He's torn up inside.
Hiding his shame, his pain.
His soul has been shattered into a million tiny pieces.
He's trying to cover up a past he can't escape.

Does he know that I can tell?
Does he know he's not alone?

Can he see through me as well?
If he could maybe he'd see that we all have pain.
We all feel shame.
Shame that won't go away.
No matter how hard we try.
No matter how hard we cry.

Maybe one day he'll see that love does win out.
Maybe one day I will too.
Maybe.

9/3/2006
M@

dear friend...

dear Friend,

Can i let you in on a little secret?
Can i tell you something about myself?
Promise me you won't laugh...
Ok. Here goes:

i'm afraid.
That's it.
What, did you expect something else?
Something huge?
Something embarassing?
Well it is...
...to me.
Know why?
Its because all my other secrets are summed up in this one.
The ones that ARE huge.
The ones that ARE embarassing.

It took a lot for me to tell you this.
To tell you that i'm afraid.
No, not that i'm afraid of the dark.
Not that i'm afraid of spiders, or snakes, or heights.
i mean i am.
But that's not what i'm REALLY afraid of.

Do you want to know what i'm really afraid of?

What i'm really afraid of is...

...you.

No, its not the way you look -- you look just fine.
You smell fine too.
Its not even being around you that scares me.
What scares me is...

...letting you know me.

Opening up and sharing myself with you.
Letting you in on the "other" side of me.

See, because i've been burned before.
By people who said they were my friends.
But they betrayed me.
Gave up on me.
Their actions spoke loud and clear.
They said there was no hope.
No chance for someone like me.

That's why i'm afraid.
i'm scared you'll be just like all the rest.
When it gets dirty, you'll leave.

Just like all the others.

Tell me now.
Is that how its going to be?

Because that's not the kind of friend i need.
i need someone different.
Someone who cares.
Someone who'll endure.
Someone who knows me inside and out
and is ok with it.
Are you that person?

Will you embrace my dreams even when they are fleeting?
Will you see me for who i can be and not just for who i am?
Will you let me cry and tell me not to be ashamed?

i need to know that i can tell you anything and you'll listen without judgment.
But listening isn't enough.
I need to know that you will go through it with me.
That you'll share in my pain.
That you'll rejoice in my victories.
That above all you will hold me accountable for my actions.

Are you that kind of friend?
Prove it to me.