Professional Christian

"Professional Christian". The term seems to quite accurately describe most, if not all, of my existence as a believer in Christ. John Fischer says, "I know what it means to get professional about my sin: it means to hide it. Professional Christianity means I have a reputation to maintain at all cost, even if that leads to dishonesty." I have realized that I, too, hide my sin from everyone, whether my Christian colleague, or my athiest friend, or even God. "I have to press on to find my professional sin. I have hidden it so well for so long that I have to search to discover where I put it." My whole life I have hidden my sins from everyone I've ever known in this way in order to live up to "someone else's standard" without taking the time to realize that that person never had any such expectations of me. I had set them for myself and projected them onto other people. I've become so wrapped up in maintaining a certain image for myself that I have been unable to be honest with others, and unltimately I have been dishonest with myself. All of this dishonesty has led me to be enslaved to expectations no other person, not even God himself, has ever held for me. I have never experienced the freedon to be completely honest about my sin to myself or anyone, and in turn to realize the freedom that Christ truly offers. Oh, to experience that freedom! But at such great cost: It would mean exposing myself to ridicule, shame, rejection, and a loss of reputation. But is it really worth it to hold on to those sins, those faults and failures? Is the value of freedom worth so much more than the value of reputation or image? I don't know if I truly have the faith to give it all up. I dont even know how much faith I have left...